Love thy neighbour.

I have not posted in a while because life has been a little crazy. Nothing major, just stupid stuff really.

I have gotten so fat lately, I was actually convinced I was going to have a toilet baby in two months because I can’t possibly be such a moose. But no, I’m just fat. Rupert and I don’t know if we would have laughed or actually died of shock if I was pregnant.

Neighbour wars. We have possibly the worst neighbour on earth. I don’t think I have ever loathed another human being with as much burning firey passion as I do him. Those of you who think you have shitty neighbours, I promise you mine are worse. His partner is awful but he has just recently moved out (little victories).

When we bought our house 3 years ago, the previous tenant went on and on about how wonderful the neighbours are, he said they were so friendly and fun and used to love calling him over the wall for a good natter. I should have been suspicious, he went on about it a bit much. Like when your friend is looking a bit crap and you keep telling her over and over again how nice she looks to almost erase the fact she looks like a hot mess.

So we moved in and we were beside ourselves with excitement to have these fab new neighbours, they are super duper gay and “Andrew” is a hairdresser. I had fantasies about mojito parties and daily hair treats.


On our first night we popped in, to say hi to Andrew and his partner “Mark”. We all squeeeeed in delight and then Andrew asked “oh. My. Gahd…. Are you pregnant???”
Kriek kriek…

“Nope, just a wine baby”



Now, I could have allowed that to make things awkward, but I ignored it. So we were invited in for some bubbles (yeah, my people!). We were standing in their absolutely filthy kitchen and I was plastering a smile on my face while accepting a lipstick marked wine glass, when two of their SEVEN dogs ran in.
Two huskies! Yay! I love huskies. But they started peeing on my legs. I shit you not, I was standing in the middle of their kitchen and their dogs wee’d on my legs. I was standing there clutching my dirty glass in a giant puddle of wee and they did nothing about it. NOTHING! Never even acknowledged it.

And it has been pretty much downhill from there.
Andrew fancies Rupert, I literally could not care less, I am not a jealous person but I think he is crossing a line when he asks Rupert to come over and links his fingers into his belt buckle and tells him how he is the best at fellatio in the whole of the western cape. Andrew hates me with a burning passion, and he loves Rupert. And Rupert is too kind to tell him to fuck off.

They have started doing building work at 9 at night. And I dared to complain about it. Andrew lost his mind and got super sassy with Rupert, he even said we have loud parties. Um, no cupcake, we have been in bed at 8 for the last two years, no parties here.


I want to leave Isla’s shitty nappies in their letterbox.


So, ya, it’s been super fun here but we had a little break and spent a few days in Hermanus. And as soon as I can see straight again I might write a little something about never ever having a hangover while you have a toddler to take care of.


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